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I have a big penis. I had to get that out of the way first. I have a twenty-seven-inch penis. A past girlfriend called it ‘The Onion.’ I was very proud of the name. Many years later I found out she called it ‘The Onion’ because of the smell. I always thought she named it ‘The Onion’ because it brought a tear to her eye.  My teeth have all fallen out. This is the second incongruity that attracts notice. I refuse to wear dentures. I could choke on the dentures. I have a wide mouth. I am able to swallow two fists. A girlfriend found it very funny. For her I would swallow a tennis ball.  The tennis ball would get caught in my throat and she laugh. She said I should join a circus. I have no need to join a circus I am famous. If I were not famous, I would join a circus. But I am famous. I have a thousand friends. I have never met or talked to any of my thousand friends. All of my friends are famous and brilliant – I love them dearly. My friends follow my every word. I can do something the Mona Lisa cannot, I can turn my neck. I am witty. I have read two thousand books. Each book bigger and longer and denser than the last.  My fingertips are permanently purple. I know musicians, film stars, fab-celebs, cheats, sycophants, hooligans, gangsters, drug dealers, child molesters and murderers. I have six fingers on my left hand. I have one leg longer than the other. My parents were always pulling my leg. My parents eloped. They never went through with the wedding. They telephone my neighbor once a year. I have three nipples, but saying that many people have three nipples. I have two assholes. One of the assholes is a snob. My mouth and tongue are to blame for the loss of my teeth. There is a strange odor that emanates from me. It is fusty, I am told. When it rains nodes appear. I have found worms burrowing into my flesh. I have plucked earwigs from my ears. I have stopped centipedes running up my legs. I have a Siamese twin. He is much taller than me. Sometimes He will carry me. He is a simpleton. I have to do the reading and writing. My vocabulary is huge. I have more than twenty-six thousand words in my arsenal. I can say yes nine different ways. My Siamese twin follows me worse than a shadow.  One night he stole my girlfriend. I found them in bed together. They were smoking. It was the cigarettes pressed against my flesh that told me of their betrayal. I have run marathons. I have fought in two wars. I work in a bank. I am as horny as a dog with two dicks. I have many children. I know Derrida. I am blind like Borges. I wear women’s underwear like Joyce. I chew my food like Kafka. I have written a book. I have a second penis. It is connected to the frontal lobe. For years I was told to get into porn. I tried. The porn star stripped off. She was very beautiful. I was overwhelmed. I fainted. My doctor said the rush of blood to the head almost killed me. He warned me never to get so excited again. I was lucky he said. He asked to see my penis. He called it a diving board. He was once an Olympian. Bronze, I think. He is very proud of his endeavor. I would have won gold knowing me.

ROBERT ZYALIFOUX 

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