Hell is me

3.  I ‘ve been trying to fuck not sleep with Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv. The beds are too small. My back is as bent as… I am going to fuck each and every one before they move on. Everybody moves on. I will not move on…

7. I was playing with her breasts. They were big and soft and I enjoyed playing with her breasts and when I had them in my hands, I disremembered the world the school… I could see my fingerprints all over her pellucid breasts. I went to touch her and she stopped me and said she had frosty knickers. I was confused, I had never heard of frosty knickers, I feared for my fingers. She pulled down her blouse and looked at me. Her chin was red raw and her lips were starting to bleed. We had been kissing a long time. I enjoyed kissing her and when I was kissing her, I disremembered the world and the school… She stood up and I stood up. She was much taller than me. She held out a hand. It was a dirty hand and I handed her the cigarette. She took the cigarette and kissed me on the brow as my mother would do as I made my way to bed…

9.  It’s the only thing that still works. It is still big, very big, girl swooning big, girl retching big, spit gathering, puke inducing big, throat tickling, rib tinkling, heart touching big, it is big, big big big big big BIG BIG, onomatopoeia impelling big, three leg big, once awed, faint causing, world death scream, apocalypse big, now a three leg joke big. I am back to the size when I was nine, but not it, it is big big big big big big BIG BIG. My back, my back, my nose scrubs the ground, collecting the debris, my pate is forever bloody, knocking into this, banging into that, I’m a bull on wheels, O Picasso. But it is big, big and strong, strong, throbbing, throbbing, throbbing, strong, nagging, nagging, calling, reminding, reminding, always reminding me. It has sucked the life out of me, the parasite. It has drained me. I sleep on my back, I rock like a seesaw, the fulcrum is the coccyx. The bastard…

10. I have been here the longest, I do not recall when or how or why or if or that or this. I will never leave, never leave. They come and go, Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv, the names change they tell me, but they will always be my Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv, they say they look different, but within the nebula they will always be my Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv, nubile, coquettish, blonde, blue eyed, long legged, big titted, frosty knickers. Wilson’s Heavenly Home, the irony. I sit in my wheelchair, in the penumbra, not a stir, not a zephyr, I still possess the fancy words, and watch, watch my Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv, my legs, my arms, my neck refuse my orders, I was an officious man, verbose, I always got what I wanted, my way, I always had my way. I will never leave, nobody will ever come for me, take me away. In my room, I have whiskey, gin, vodka. When Lucy, Jane, Mary, Jean, Elizabeth, May, Wendy, Lilly, Fanny and Viv walk past me to the games room, to the dining room, when they are heading to bed I whisper to them, I tell them about the luxuries in my bedroom. Their eyes light up, the dull skin blazes with color, their mouths drip with saliva, they wet themselves. However, women of our age can no longer hold their booze, two sips and they are asleep.

Paul Kavanagh