- One summer I gave birth to a monster so terrifying my mother and father ran around the house screaming and tearing out their hair. It was a long birth. A whole summer. I thought I was creating a friend. The torso appeared first and then arms outstretched and welcoming. Pity arose in me seeing that he had one leg longer than the other. I quickly ameliorated the situation of the legs. The arms developed hands and then fingers. His belly swelled. His legs grew feet and toes, even toenails. And then a head appeared and within the frame appeared a mouth, a nose, eyes, large ears, and a brow that led to a full head of hair.
- I called my friend: Gordo A. Lama.
- “I am impressed by the water intake,” said my father.
- “That you have put down the books and taken full advantage of the sun impresses me,” said my mother.
- We shared profound philosophical conservations Gordo A. Lama and me. I read to him. I listened to his obsession – War.
- One very hot morning, my friend turned into the monster. A monster so terrifying that I froze into a ball of rock.
- Bursting, I jumped out of bed, leapt clearing the stairs, ran through the house without a good morning, and managed miraculously not to urinate in my pajamas. Awareness spread as the bladder deflated, as the hot kettle boiled piss flowed, around me I noticed the air was full of flies, all kinds of flies, bluebottles, horseflies, fruit flies, flesh flies, sawflies, snakeflies, alderflies, and houseflies. And there standing before me was the monster
- “This is the last time you will piss on me,” said Gordo A. Lama.
- He was covered in thick fuzzy hair from head to toe. But more terrifying than the look was the smell. The smell hurt my eyes and my nose and my mouth. It burnt. I coughed. I choked. I froze.
- Gordo A. Lama climbed off the wall and parted his coat of fur and showed me his huge, throbbing hirsute member. It was amazingly long and thick.
- It only stopped when my mother intervened on the behalf of my bottom with a bottle of bleach.
Larry Caomhánach
aiurea press 