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(An Advertisement)

I have a big penis. I had to get that out of the way first. I have a twenty-seven-inch penis. A past girlfriend called it ‘The Onion.’ I was very proud of the name. Many years later I found out she called it ‘The Onion’ because of the smell. I always thought she named it ‘The Onion’ because it brought a tear to her eye.  My teeth have all fallen out. This is the second incongruity that attracts notice. I refuse to wear dentures. I could choke on the dentures. I have a wide mouth. I am able to swallow two fists. A girlfriend found it very funny. For her I would swallow a tennis ball.  The tennis ball would get caught in my throat and she laugh. She said I should join a circus. I have no need to join a circus I am famous. If I were not famous, I would join a circus. But I am famous. I have a thousand friends. I have never met or talked to any of my thousand friends. All of my friends are famous and brilliant – I love them dearly. My friends follow my every word. I can do something the Mona Lisa cannot, I can turn my neck. I am witty. I have read two thousand books. Each book bigger and longer and denser than the last.  My fingertips are permanently purple. I know musicians, film stars, fab-celebs, cheats, sycophants, hooligans, gangsters, drug dealers, child molesters and murderers. I have six fingers on my left hand. I have one leg longer than the other. My parents were always pulling my leg. My parents eloped. They never went through with the wedding. They telephone my neighbor once a year. I have three nipples, but saying that many people have three nipples. I have two assholes. One of the assholes is a snob. My mouth and tongue are to blame for the loss of my teeth. There is a strange odor that emanates from me. It is fusty, I am told. When it rains nodes appear. I have found worms burrowing into my flesh. I have plucked earwigs from my ears. I have stopped centipedes running up my legs. I have a Siamese twin. He is much taller than me. Sometimes He will carry me. He is a simpleton. I have to do the reading and writing. My vocabulary is huge. I have more than twenty-six thousand words in my arsenal. I can say yes nine different ways. My Siamese twin follows me worse than a shadow.  One night he stole my girlfriend. I found them in bed together. They were smoking. It was the cigarettes pressed against my flesh that told me of their betrayal. I have run marathons. I have fought in two wars. I work in a bank. I am as horny as a dog with two dicks. I have many children. I know Derrida. I am blind like Borges. I wear women’s underwear like Joyce. I chew my food like Kafka. I have written a book. I have a second penis. It is connected to the frontal lobe. For years I was told to get into porn. I tried. The porn star stripped off. She was very beautiful. I was overwhelmed. I fainted. My doctor said the rush of blood to the head almost killed me. He warned me never to get so excited again. I was lucky he said. He asked to see my penis. He called it a diving board. He was once an Olympian. Bronze, I think. He is very proud of his endeavor. I would have won gold knowing me.

ROBERT ZYALIFOUX 

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Arthur Rimbaud

Did not Arthur Rimbaud ask the question What am I doing here? but you never ask the question standing before the mirror with the hairbrush in your hand impersonating Arthur Rimbaud chanting Jadis, si je me souviens bien… with your hair puffed up and a scowl on your face and a teatowel tied in a bow around your neck and though you see Paul Verlaine old and bald and decrepit you ignore it for nobody wants to be old and bald and decrepit Paul Verlaine when you could be Arthur Rimbaud.

20 October 1854 – 10 November 1891

Larry Caomhánach

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hades

Shakespeare achieved a thunderous cough and then shat his pants and died. That’s what happens.  You cough. You shit your pants. You die. Happens to the best of us. I plan on following Heracles & Theseus & Odysseus & Aeneas. Back then you had to pay to go to Hades. You used an obol. An obol is a mundane coin that goes through a metamorphosis. You received the obol on your deathbed. A family member placed the obol on the eyes of the dead. The dead carried the obol into Hades. And to cross the River Styx, which you have to do, you pay the son of Night and of Erebus, Charon, for his service. I am going to Hades and that’s my choice. Heaven is not an option. I’ve been a bad boy. Soon I will be dead and Hades follows death for me. Aristophanes mocked Hades by having frogs down there croaking. Hades is easy to find. We know that the entrance to Hades can be found at Avernus, a crater near Cumae, Italy. Andrea De Jorio drew a map. It is a beautiful map. I possess the map. It is dear to me. The map shows you how to get to Hades, and unintentionally, how to get back from Hades. The Renaissance painter, Karlus Zožičević painted the interior of Hades. It is this Hades I plan on visiting.  Vasari mentions Karlus Zožičević only once, it is a footnote, and it mocks Karlus Zožičević. Vasari, as with Dante, always repaid a slur. Pope Alexander VI commissioned Karlus Zožičević to paint Hades. He wanted a painting to keep him on the straight and narrow in his final years. Zožičević known on the streets of Rome and Milan as Karlus the Sycophant painted Hades for Pope Alexander VI in a matter of days. What he depicted was not some caldron of fire and damnation but a Garden of Earthly Delights with a few rain clouds. Pope Alexander VI was overjoyed. Karlus the Sycophant showed the Pope in all his Priapean majesty. All the females were exaggerated, no two breasts were alike, no pair of nipples the same color, and the brush strokes animated the pubic hair. This greatly pleased the moribund Pope Alexander VI. All men were omitted. Sadly, Hitler’s Luftwaffe destroyed the painting, but we know of its existence because the Knights of Malta would hang the painting on the anniversary of Pope Alexander VI’s death and shit. Heracles & Theseus & Odysseus & Aeneas did not have to experience death to go to Hades. They slit the throats of animals and poured libations to the Gods. That’s how they got entrance to Hades. They paid. Abd more importantly for me they always returned and told their story. Ah, Hades! more Disneyland than Disney.

Larry Caomhánach

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A Sale

Things I have collected and now need to sale for a price:

1: A comb used by Marguerite Duras and an empty bottle.

2: The wall James Joyce rested upon while Nora Barnacle pleasured him.

3: The Tantō that Yukio Mishima used during the Seppuku – also, the concrete on which the Seppuku spilled out upon. Stains still showing.

4: The bench at Astapovo train station; the last place Tolstoy took the weight off his feet.  

5: The pot Gogol destroyed Dead Souls in by fire. Inside of the pot visible are the last written words.

6: The concrete slab where Jeanne Hébuterne crashed to her death – teeth are optional.

7: An English oven last used February 11, 1963

8: ………………………… (A secret. Call me at 33773377) ……… (Hint: a lost apostrophe! See 2.).  

9: Gabriele Falloppio’s lambskin (used).

10: A sex toy kept by Michel Foucault that had once been owned by Sigmund Freud that had been used by the Marquis de Sade that had been handmade by the Nuns of Lundin.

first come, first served

Larry Caomhánach